Thoughts of a Girl

Carrie Bradshaw had Mr. Big throughout the seasons of Sex and the City. He came and went, and they had fun together, a steamy love affair but they went their separate ways only to return. Their chemistry was there and they were very different. He a wealthy, upscale business man and her an eclectic writer who while successful wasn’t living the life of Big. I wonder in my own life if Mr. Big is a possible character, or am I just relying on fiction to help convince myself of better days? If opposites can attract, if people can learn from their mistakes, if we can have new beginnings….maybe it’s possible that Mr Big is there. Then again, maybe that notion is setting me up for failure in the end.

zodiacchic:

Take a look at your horoscope for today, Aries. Click here!

“When someone else’s happiness is your happiness that’s love”

Well…if my happiness meant anything to you, you would have loved me for all I am. You would not have left me scared and confused. You would not have manipulated me into thinking I was not good enough.

You have made me believe I don’t deserve to eat because to you I was never thin enough. You have made me believe I deserve to be sad because I couldn’t make you happy-but its impossible, and you have made me believe I was not enough.

Now I need to change have to “had” and stop believing you. Your wicked words are no longer disguised with “I love you.” It’s time I realize you are insignificant just as you made me feel. Like Cinderella rose from her ashes to be the princess, the leading lady of her life, I will do the same-only the plot twist for me is that Prince Charming has nothing to do with my success. This story line is all me.

Every girl has some thoughts on this and they are all her own. My break up was more a dumping and by that I mean unrequited love really sucks the big D. But anyway…it was probably for the best because he was awful. And I’m not just saying that because I’m bitter-which I fully admit to. I say it because anyone who isolates you from your friends, tells you that you aren’t beautiful and you’re too fat, monitors you to see if you’re working out and calls you a liar when you don’t lose weight is a manipulative jerk. To label it-emotionally abusive. That cycle of breaking up and making up and him bringing flowers and saying he was sorry is done now. He may have ended it on his terms and that’s fine. This may be the best thing he ever did. I’m not saying he was all bad-he had some good moments. But leaving me sick in the ER all night and being angry with me for needing an EPI pen were just crossing the line. He took his shit to a whole new level.

I’m fighting this strong. Today my mom bought me a bracelet and it says “tough heart” and that’s what I have. I wouldn’t be reminded of this so quickly without so many friends and family supporting me. They know I am none of the things he said and that I am not going to stay his victim. I’m a strong, independent woman and I may have forgotten my way but I’m finding it again.

It’s like my sister said to me: “you’re Kristen. You’re the strong leader. If anyone can do this, it’s you” those words are now ringing in my head louder than his ever will.

I am me. I am free and I am blessed

Sometimes when I think things are coming together a little, something comes up that scares me, and makes me worry about the future a little more. I have to live in the moment, Live in the moment, IN. THE. MOMENT. I try to tell myself this on a regular basis; but I find it so difficult. How do I live in the moment? How do I stop and take a few deep breathes and tell myself everything is okay when I am anticipating something scary coming up in my life, and when things are at a point of uncertainty. 

I guess all I can do is take a deep breathe, turn on the relax station on my pandora and try. Try. Force myself to just chill and live in the moment. Everything will be OK, no matter what. And no matter how much you think something could be a disaster, there is always tomorrow—-but for now, think about today. 

…Some thoughts of a girl

As a young woman I don’t understand why I am spending so much money on my college education. Yes I need this degree to work in my chosen career path, and yes I need it to make a living. But what I can’t understand is, if my value in society is so largely based on my appearance-why did I spend all this money? At the end of the day my choice of nail polish, clothing, my dress size and my hue of lipstick will most likely he judged over my knowledge of Frued’s psychodynamic theory. It’s true-pretty people get paid more and get hired over ugly people.
It amazes me that in 2013, as I watch newscasters discuss the presidential inauguration, the First Lady is only mentioned because she has a new hairstyle. Michelle Obama is a well educated woman. She mentored her husband in many subjects and has a well thought out campaign to help improve childhood health by changing the direction of the childhood obesity epidemic. But none of the is really going to matter if she isn’t wearing the right dress or hairstyle, right? What kind of world are we living in? What kind of message are we sending?
I have always wanted to have a little girl one day. But now as I see how much appearances matter over a woman’s level of intelligence or her ability to change the world; I think having a daughter would scare the shit out of me. Not to mention that our patriarchal society perpetuates an ideology that women are valued most for their appearance, and therefore are sexual objects. I love being seen as beautiful as much as the next woman, don’t get me wrong; but I would like to be valued for my intelligence, kindness, and my good actions before being valued for my waistline or my awesome hair and baby blues. Those are just on the surface. And when anyone talks to me, I want them to listen to what i have to say-not wonder what my pant size is or if that’s a glaze I applied or a new hair color all together. I’m way more than that, and so are all women. We need to start valuing that more. I’m not saying don’t dress nicely, don’t exercise and be proud to show off your killer legs
or abs, don’t have fun with your hair or makeup-in fact if it makes you feel like a million bucks-do it! And I am also not saying all men are evil or think the same.Feminism doesn’t mean we paint men as evil low life’s that don’t value women-but in fact it means the opposite. It means we hold men to a higher standard than before; insisting that they treat us equally because that is
how it always should be. If we don’t do this, if we don’t hold ourselves to a higher standard of thoughts and actions, both men and women, our society is even more screwed up than I thought it was.

Just some thoughts of a woman-I’m technically not a “girl” since I’m no longer Pre-pubescent…just to be politically correct. ;-)

lovequotesrus:

EVERYTHING LOVE

When Elle Woods sings “Positive” in the Legally Blonde musical you can’t help but smile at the sarcasm. Humor can really save your soul when life is a challenge. And being positive can be your biggest asset.

Today my immunologist was unable to give me any more diagnostic information about my chronic hive condition. It’s frustrating being unable to control your own body in these situations and being hospitalized with multiple IVs and on heavy doses of steroids, antihistamines, h2 blockers and oxygen for anaphylaxis was terrifying. Then when you’re told, “sorry we have no idea why this is happening. It’s ‘idiopathic‘“would make anyone lose hope.

Being positive and hopeful is sometimes your only option. Life could be worse-a lot worse. And instead of lying down and giving up, I’m, “going to the mattresses” as they say in The Godfather. But I’m going to the mattresses with my own body. It’s time I eat healthier, exercise more and make time to de-stress. My quality of life is at stake. So I either put down the crap food and get on a treadmill, do some yoga and smile more OR keep living an unhealthy miserable lifestyle. The choice seems pretty simple-and it is, if I’m positive about it.

Laughter is sometimes the best medicine, and being positive is sometimes the best option. So bring it on world, I’m gonna “kill” my body”s b.s with kindness.

What the hell did I just do? I’m sitting here wondering that as I scarf down organic frozen yogurt-which tastes like a blueberry muffin without the calories-the less guilt after over indulging the better. I hope I’m making the right choices and I hope giving people another (of many) second chances pans out. So far it hasn’t been a success; why do I always have such faith in people? I guess I’m an optimist.

Im on a journey to self discovery everyday of my life. I am looking for what makes me tick in life; what makes me happy. I am also looking to avoid what makes me stress. I want to find inner peace, I want to look in the mirror each morning and smile because I am happy being me-and each day I am getting closer. 

Balance for the young twenty something is an impossible challenge, it seems. Balancing college, friends, family activities, jobs, internships, boyfriends, and fitting in the gym and a social life is a lot. There is bound to be neglect in one area or another. Looking back on the past six months, I can say I poured myself into school, my internship, my sorority, and my boyfriend. My friends, my family, my health, even my job took a back seat to the other things I felt were most important at the time; and at the time they were important. School always came first, because as someone looking to go to graduate school, having good grades is a requirement, my internship would make or break connections that could provide future employment in an already crumbling economy, I was president of my sorority so it was a no brainer Id need to be invested in my role, and I was in a new relationship that required nurturing and attention. 

Through the balancing act I fought with friends who felt I had become absent in their lives, I missed my family, and the balancing act became so much that I started to argue with my boyfriend and resent my sorority for the work I had to do to keep the chapter going. It was just too much on my plate, and my body and mind were being sucked of their energy and happiness. I got sick easily, I was always tired, and I was done. 

My relationship became rocky as well. We would argue over small things-alot. And my health was being effected by the balancing act I was trying to pull off. I was taking steroids off and on after a tonsillectomy, and outbreaks of hives that were caused from god only knows what over the summer. My weight ballooned, and my self esteem plummeted. My boyfriend no longer found me attractive and the spark in our relationship started to die. I wasn’t being myself because when we met during the summer my life was not the way it is during the semester-chaotic. 

It finally hit me as I was breaking out in hives and facing anaphylaxis on a trip to Atlantic City, one that I spent popping benadryl like candy and arguing with my now boyfriend “without the title” that it hit me-I am NOT taking care of myself. 

So now that the steroids, antihistamines, and H2 blockers are finally finished and I have sought the help of specialists and identified some sort of cause for my auto immune woes, its time for me to come first. 

Yes, I need to do well in school and work; but I need to nurture my friendships, enjoy my last semester of college and take care of my health both mentally and physically. I am the priority now. It took me using two epinephrine injections and being hospitalized with deathly swelling to come to their realization. It shouldn’t have, but now that it did, its time I do something about it. 

So 2013 is about me. The closing of one chapter: college, the start of a new chapter: graduate school; an the continuation of new healthy habits that benefit ME.